Dealing with Death
September 5th, 2009
‘How does one deal with death [of a loved one]?’ is all I could think of after watching Tokyo Magnitude episode 9. Rest assured, I’m not going to spoil anything. You won’t hear a word about which predictions turned out true or not or whatsoever. There might be a little spoiler for another series at the end of the post however, so do beware. Let’s just, well, talk about ‘dealing with death’ or ‘death’ in general, plain as daylight.
Just recently, an officemate of mine (somewhat of a neechan figure to me, though we’re not that close) lost her father to cancer. Like most (all?) cancer cases, it was a long and painful process. She had to take long leaves from work to tend to her dad, be by his side as he undergoes chemotherapy or whatever treatment, hoping and praying that at the end of it all, her whole family will see her dad all well again.
After 5 months of the fight against cancer, what they’ve been fearing the most finally happened — the battle was “lost”. My officemate SMS-ed me that fateful morning her dad passed away — and all I could do was stare at my cellphone in silence. I didn’t know what to say. Saying words of condolences would seem pretty standard, but right at that moment I realized how callous it’d be if I did so. Just the thought of saying “I’m sorry to hear that…”, or “I’m deeply saddened by the news…” makes me want to puke, because it’d filled with hypocrisy. I don’t even know if I really feel sad over the loss of my officemate. She’s grieving over her dad, it’s a tough time for her, she must be in pain… is what I know, but I doubt I’ll ever understand the pain she’s going through.
Some people have the gift of empathy, I know I don’t, especially not with Real People. I find myself empathizing with 2D characters I’ve grown to love (and mourning over their death) than my very own relatives, acquaintances, and friends. Granted, I have yet to experience the loss of someone very very dear to me, like my mom, my siblings, my aunts and uncles, my super close friends and officemates — and perhaps that’s it. You won’t grieve over someone’s death unless you know or feel the ‘loss’ that comes with it, not unless you actually cared for the person in the first place. “…unfair as it is that the more you become happy for something, the more you’ll be saddened by its loss”, as I’ve mentioned a bit about before.
Many times, I’d feel mortified at not feeling sad over someone’s death as much as I want to. ‘Have I become that callous?’, I’d ask myself. Time and again, I’d wonder if I’d weep over my dad’s death, considering how I think of him as a failure of a father. What loss would I feel when he’s no longer around when I never really felt his presence? I don’t recall a single word of wisdom or advice from him, nor any father-and-daughter-talk for that matter, so what memories would I have once he’s no longer here? Material gifts? Bitter memories?
I’d most likely weep; in fact, I’m already crying at the moment, lamenting at the thought that I would not feel sad over his death. I’d probably cry — cry for those whom my father helped in his lifetime, for my grandmother who loves him sooo much, for my aunts and uncles (his brothers and sisters) whom he cared for, a lot more than his own family even.
Is it unbecoming of a Christian to not grieve over someone’s death? Does my inability to mourn over this loss mean that I haven’t completely forgiven my father? Ahhh I’m rambling too much.
Our pastor mentioned last Friday that speaking / giving Pastoral message during memorial services is one of the things he’s not comfortable of doing. He will never understand how it’s like to lose a loved one, not unless he is in the shoes of the one who’s experiencing the said loss. He’d be prone to mentioning things that would simply attest to the fact that he doesn’t understand, and the mourners could simply tell him “How dare you say that! You won’t understand how it feels like to lose someone you love!”, and he won’t be able to complain, because it’s true. This is exactly how I felt with what happened to my officemate, and so I ended up not replying to her message at all.
I remember my ultimate insensitivity back in high school when my classmate’s brother died from a motorcycle accident. Her brother was rumored to be on drugs, suspected to be the cause of the accident, and I was insensitive enough to even ask her at the wake if the said rumor is true — OH BROTHER.
Without doubt, I had 0% sensitivity back then. So what if the rumor is true, will that even matter at that time? My classmate was grieving over the death of the brother that she so loves, no drug rumor will ever change that. And despite whatever rumors, the fact remains that her brother is dead — and that’s it. Someone’s life has come to an end, in spirit he might be with her, but in the physical sense, not a chance — you can’t see them, touch them, talk to them, spend time with them in the truest sense of the word.
I believe in life after death, I believe in heaven — but that doesn’t mean I would/should grieve over someone’s death a lot less.
For some people, death is freedom. I know my grandmother thinks that way. Two of her sons died, and each day she’ll be asking herself why they had to die first before her. Throughout her lifetime, she’s been serving her family — us. Up until this time, at the age of 76, she still cooks for us, organizes the stuff in the house (because I’m a disorganized mess), and while perhaps, she finds fulfillment in serving people, she’d constantly complain about how difficult it is to live each day and do whatever she’s doing. “I’ll be better off dead”, she’d say, often at the brink of her getting mad at me for staying out late and causing her endless worries.
Me and my brothers get exasperated over her grumpiness every so often, even if we can understand why she acts the way she does. But for sure, despite her bitchiness and her skewed sense of logic, her presence will be missed once she’s gone. Perhaps she’s taking care of us out of a sense of obligation, to feed her egotism, but perhaps, she really cares for our welfare too. She’s like the pillar of our family, the main reason why our clan remains intact up until now. I can’t imagine how life would be once she’s no longer around, and I don’t even want to think about it. The same goes for my mom, brothers and sister, relatives, and friends.
So back to the question, how does one deal with death? To be honest, I don’t know. One simple answer would be to learn to let go, but that’s easier said than done. If you tell that to a grieving person without even feeling sad for him/her, sorry to say but you’re an insensitive bastard. The same goes for people who end up “spiritualizing” things, like telling you that “everything will be alright because he’ll be in heaven for sure” without even trying to understand the pain you’re going through.
All things happen for a purpose, and we’d only realize that once we take a step back and try to see things from a broader perspective. And I’m not sure if you’d agree with me on this one, but I think we ought to feel sad over these things, we SHOULD go through the phase of mourning — it’s painful, but simply shows that we cared enough for that certain someone to feel a sense of loss over his/her death.
How does one deal with the death of a loved one? Some people end up living in atonement, like Balsa of Seirei no Moribito; some people live to fulfill the dreams of their beloved, like Carl of UP.
What should we do when someone we love passes away? Perhaps, the answer is but simple, perhaps it’s as Kou said…
…perhaps all we have to do is cry. Admit that we feel the pain, and then, move on…
Credits to tono and Tsukushi Akihito for the wonderful fanarts. I want to credit the artist for the second fanart, but unfortunately, I can’t find the artist’s name, or pixiv account. Do tell if you know, thanks in advance 
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