Anime Blog Online

Oops I did it again…
(Credits: 器用さは幻想郷でも随一 by 猫車)

If you visited the blog recently, then you would’ve been plagued by 404 errors all over the place. But rest assured, people, the situation is under control. The blog wasn’t hacked (though I thought of the possibility, and panicked a little, until I realized what really caused it) it was just uhh– messed by yours truly. Been working on the new buggy theme for the last couple of days, and thought I’d tweak the .htaccess file to load the post images on my local server– and forgot to bring it back to the way it was.

So yeah, Golden Rule: don’t mess around with your .htaccess file. It might be < 1KB, but it holds the power to mess up your entire blog, sorta.

Oh and Happy New Year everyone!! Though I won’t consider this officially a New Year until I’m done with the theme revamp *shakes fist* Or until after I’ve posted my 2010 resolutions. Better late than never, right?

Ja ne!

Related posts:

1. In an Effort to Bring Back Old Posts from the ‘Grave’

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While I’m still not done done with my Honey & Clover rewatch (Gonna ‘restart’ it after I’m done with Midori no Hibi, since that’s the one with a deadline) and also not done deciphering this interview with Umino Chika in Manga Kitchen, I’m afraid you’re gonna have to bear with this little teaser:

usagijen: I just read this “Manga Kitchen” book/mook/whatever
usagijen: which features various manga series wherein “food” is a motif of some sort
usagijen: or that food, in some ways, had a significance in that series
usagijen: thought it’d be soo relevant to scrumptious!
usagijen: and it so happens that H&C is featured in that book, the very first one too.
usagijen: ever wondered why the opening of H&C is the way it is?
Seleria: nope
usagijen: apparently, food was like one of the main motifs in the show. there’s no one episode where you don’t see the characters eating something
usagijen: then in the interview with umino chika, she likened love to food.
Seleria: uhuh
usagijen: you eat it, becomes part of your system… gives off different flavors. can be sweet, bitter, sour, etc
Seleria: if you have too much you’ll get fat?
usagijen: that too
Seleria: and if you don’t, you die?
usagijen: hahahaha
usagijen: but hey that could be too!
usagijen: thought of other analogies as well
usagijen: depending on whether you ‘let go’ and move on from a bitter experience, you end up letting it out of your system completely (excretion lolol), or it becomes a poison that’ll make you rot
usagijen: now I’m making things up haha. but it could still be possible
usagijen: it was also said that for takemoto, food was there when he fell in love (first encounter with love), coz he had these croquettes morita gave him that time (he asked hagu if she wants to eat it with them).
usagijen: then it was also through food that he saw the ‘end’ of the said love… the honey&clover sandwich
Seleria: lol
Seleria: you’re reading a lot into this
usagijen: nonono. these came from chika umino herself (except the food-love analogy bits that I added)
usagijen: so it’s.. official!
Seleria: ahahaha
Seleria: ok
usagijen: which explains why the opening is the way it is
Seleria: so that’s why there was scary food there )
usagijen: oh, something was also mentioned about the weird foods that hagu and yamada were into
usagijen: something about… the perception of women re: food or what.
usagijen: like, girls can see food as ‘cute’ (moe? lol)
usagijen: but guys can’t understand it
usagijen: how food can be cute
usagijen: somewhat like guns are for men, according to umino chika-sensei haha
Seleria: huh
Seleria: food is cute
Seleria: …….
usagijen: food can make us feel moe. for guys, not quite so
Seleria: maybe i am a guy
Seleria: )
Seleria: im pondering on
Seleria: what makes food cute
Seleria: coz i cant see it
usagijen: lol
Seleria: but i love pudding
Seleria: )

Merry Christmas everyone! Till I come up with a coherent post out of this ‘Food Motif in H&C’ topic, ja~!

Related posts:

1. Life Goes On… with Honey and Clover
2. Remembering Love On Halloween: Daa! Daa! Daa! and Aka-chan to Boku <3
3. Beyond the Blogging Crossroad Part 1: A So-called “Love Affair” with Animes

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(大空テラス少女 by hoppang)

On the 13th of December my true love sent — rather, I turned 1/4-of-a-century old, a ‘Quarter Centurian’ according to j1m0ne. Might not be much, but it’s still zOMG 25 freaking years living on Planet Earth! Just another 25 years and I’ll be an obaasan! (or a MILF, we’ll see) Hello quarter-life crisis?

Birthday, by itself, isn’t anything special. Bluntly and unpoetically speaking, it’s just ‘the day you got expelled from the birth canal’, in Leonard of Big Bang Theory’s words. But year after year we celebrate it. What’s the deal? Is it because our parents are soooo happy to have given birth to us? Is it because we are soooo awesome, and that our very existence is enough of a reason to celebrate? Whatever the reason might be, growing old has certainly changed my perspective on birthday. More than just the ‘time I get a birthday cake and gifts from my parents, aunts and uncles’, it has now become my Annual Life Checkpoint.

Each year, we grow older; ideally, not simply age-wise but holistically. One year would’ve passed since our last birthday (with the exception of Feb29 people), and what exactly happened since then? Did anything exciting happen? Did we get to achieve our dreams, short-term and/or long-term goals? Did we make someone happy? Did we grow in wisdom?

Have you ever taken some time off, just to look back at life, count your blessings, see that Awesome Power at work (I consider it His fingerprints, but that would differ depending on our beliefs) through the circumstances that happen in your life, discover the gem that lies in the sh*ttiness of circumstances? Looking back allows you to see things from a different perspective, and in the end make you realize, that indeed, everything happens for a purpose. Let’s do a ‘What Ifs’ / ‘A Series of (Un)Fortunate Events Looking Back’ exercise, shall we?

(遺言 by mercre)

Had I not entered the company I’m working in up until present, then I wouldn’t have met Seleria. If I hadn’t met Seleria, then I wouldn’t have gotten into blogging at Scrumptious. If I hadn’t gotten into blogging, then I wouldn’t have met all these wonderful bloggers and readers and become part of this awesome community. I also wouldn’t have realized that I can actually write, and be read!

But then somewhere along the way I lost contact with Seleria, and if I hadn’t drifted apart from her, then perhaps I wouldn’t have gotten close to this one guy. Had I not gotten close to that guy, then I wouldn’t have experienced how it was like to have a really close male friend who I can even call my ‘best friend’. But, as they say, there’s no such thing as a platonic friendship between a guy and a girl.

Had I not burst my bubble and acknowledged the possibility of turning the said friendship to something more, then we wouldn’t have been sorta coulda ambiguously MU (stands for ‘mutual understanding’, probably only used in the Philippines). Had we not been sort-of MU, then I wouldn’t have gotten hooked into this game, and started acting as if I’m in a relationship when I wasn’t really in one.

Had I not started acting relationship-y, then things probably wouldn’t have turned sour. Had things not turned sour, then I wouldn’t have realized that it wasn’t meant to be, he wasn’t into me and obviously wasn’t meant for me, and I deserve something much better. Had I not realized that, then I probably wouldn’t have opened the door for another guy to come into my life. Had I not not gotten close to that guy, then I wouldn’t have gone out on a date with him. Had I not gone out on the said date, then I wouldn’t have realized that I’ve been seeking my own selfish ways up until then, not seeking guidance from people who should know better, and ultimately realizing that I wasn’t where I want to be in (and that I need the Almighty Father’s guidance). I personally thanked guy #1 for breaking my heart after this realization, and actually thought we were OK again, that the friendship was restored.

Had I not been in Cebu when this happened, then I wouldn’t have found my way back into church and the fellowship. Had I not been part of the fellowship and met my friends in church, then I wouldn’t have joined the Christian Youth camp this year. Had I not joined the said camp, then I wouldn’t have had a Spiritual Revival and meet even more wonderful people who share my belief.

Had I not joined the Camp this year, then I would’ve been sent to Japan for Hell Work and I wouldn’t have had enough time to prepare for JLPT1. Had I been in Japan for that business trip, I wouldn’t have been transferred to another project group, from whom I learned of the Japan Bridge Engineer seminar which I’m attending now.

As for ye ol’ personal life… Had I not convinced myself that me and guy #1 are good, chums like before but without the ‘more than friendship’ feelings complicating things, then I wouldn’t have had the painful slap of reality and realize that “no, things can never be the same again, woman. it’s difficult to restore the close friendship after all that happened (especially when you’re still not on the same wavelength; balance is still disrupted and all that). and you shouldn’t continue giving him the opportunity to hurt you more, BAKA”. Had this not happened, then I wouldn’t have been completely freed from the chains around my heart. Couldn’t have felt lighter and stronger like I do now! His existence is right where it should be, back to the background of my life. “Never make somebody a priority if they only consider you an option” …and balance is restored in the universe~!

So many what ifs, the ‘little changes in a series of events that can change the entire course of our lives’, as my friend says. But I don’t want to live in What Ifs, in that Woulda Coulda Shoulda Alternate Universe. I’m right here, right now, ‘this is real, this is me, this is where I’m supposed to be’ Whatever happened in my life, both good and bad (and even the unfortunate ones turn out fortunate if you look at it from another angle) shaped me as I am now. Had all these not happened, I wouldn’t be here talking about this right now

Life is too short to be taken for granted, look back and see the wonders of life at work! 2009 was quite a roller-coaster ride for me, Life’s Ups and Downs, boy. But thanks to that, I grew in wisdom, much more than I expected (no pain, no gain).

Thank you dear friends, readers, those who were part of the series of (un)fortunate events in my life, from the catalysts to positive changes in my life to the cause(s) of my misery. Thank you for being part of my life and allowing me to grow.

Related posts:

1. Life Goes On… with Honey and Clover

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I AM FREE!

well, sorta. JLPT is over since last Sunday, and while I’m still not 100% sure that I’ll pass (50-50 chance, could also be 60-40), I’m happy to say that it wasn’t as frustrating (exciting?) as last year. I had the same proctor (who didn’t seem to have recognized ‘The Girl Who Haggled For Time’ — aka me — from last year, or so I hope!), but thankfully enough what happened throughout the exam wasn’t a deja vu of my Great Booboo.

We’re not allowed to talk about the exam, they say, because our test will be invalidated if the Japan Foundation finds out we spilled the beans. But what do you know, gaijins are pretty cool people and doesn’t afraid anything, so they talked about it anyway, specifically these two items in the JLPT1 listening section which pandered to the otaku audience — there’s the Evangelion-esque question which I’m pretty sure you’ve heard of by now, and also a Dragon Quest parody question, where this one loli was asking her beloved oniichan how to get this special Ice Necklace item. THANK GOD FOR OTAKUS. I was so amused by the Eva-esque question that I almost didn’t catch the question being asked (and it’s the last one too). The whole GAR talk between the Captain and Asuka still replays in my head LOL.

That said, I still don’t think I did well in the listening. After all those practice drills… *sigh* Might be too early to say, but doubting the answers I have to about half of the listening items sure isn’t a good sign. I’d be jumping for joy if I get about 70% or higher!

Reading & Grammar is pretty safe, though I didn’t ace it like I hoped (damn!). Ran out of time to thoroughly read the last two short essays and ended up doing some [semi-founded] guesswork. I got 148/200 last year despite my booboo, and my semi-conservative estimate for this year is 150/200.

The kanji section was a breeze (thank you Kanzen Master!), with just a few mistakes (at most 5, if not, I’m not going to forgive myself!), but the vocab section… I weep for it. I’ve already noted 5 mistakes, which is likely to increase (x2 = 10++ points), though I am hoping for a 75%. Please?

If all’s well that ends well, then I’ll get that Highly Coveted JLPT1 certificate (and my additional monthly allowance!), if not, then I’ll just have to let it go and move on, move forward and continue studying. In fact, I have to do a bit of studying right now because I have an exam for our Business Nihongo crash course tomorrow!

How did everyone’s JLPT go? absolute0, cuteproxy, kritik, 0rion, double… who else took the challenge?

Credits to crowdesu for the above pic.

Related posts:

1. JLPT1 Left Me Devastated
2. OFF TO FACE THE FINAL BOSS

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The verdict is in: Scrumptious is eliminated from the Otaku Elimination Game, like Oh Em Gee. Was hoping they’ll check out our blog after I’m done with the site renovation, new theme, plugins and all that, but what do you know, they’re more excited than I thought! :3

(awesome fail badge c/o otou-san)

We Proudly Failed the Otaku Elimination Game, JUST AS PLANNED.

One thing though, OEG said they dissected our blog. Really now. Allow me to do my own dissection of their evaluation, if you will:

What can we say about this place, well. When we first saw it we liked it a lot. The continual food-related themes running throughout were a nice touch, especially when it came to the rating system. We’ve seen so many idiotic fangirls now we were really glad to see some that actually had some common sense and could construct a decent blog about anime.

:3

But who exactly are these idiotic fangirls you speak of, OEG? Are they really idiotic, or just idiotic in your own standards? I don’t really like how we’re used to trample on them fangirls like that.

Unfortunately it seems that whoever is running the place has a real problem with PR.

PR, like Page Rank, Pattern Recognition, Performance Review, Progress Report, Personal Reflections, Prayer Request, Power Rangers? Given the context (or the lack thereof) of what’s being said here, I can’t really tell if we have the same PR in mind.

But go on…

The blog is a pisspan of childish, immature name-calling and pathetic arguments.

It was a place with potentially a lot of class and a friendliness, but instead it’s a mess.

You mean the opposite of having class and friendliness is being a mess? Even messy dishes can be served with much class and friendliness, you’re talking about two different things here. Or let me put it this way: even the classiest and fanciest of restaurants can serve messy dishes, messy yet delectable dishes.

Some dishes/desserts/whatever can be a mess but still be scrumptious — think rocky road, omelette, okonomiyaki, halo-halo, bibimbap. We’re not claiming to be messy AND scrumptious, but we might just be! Or at least, getting there! Who knows, perhaps we can be classy, friendly, and messy all at the same time! :3

And whatever OEG says, if not backed by clear evidence and proof, is all just a miss, just saying.

We’d love to go on but what can we say, the framework is good but the authors are terrible, it’s as simple as that. Throw them out and replace them with people who can actually write.

How can you judge how people write when you obviously fail at reading? I’d love to go on, but what can I say, the framework of OEG is good but their critiquing skills are terrible, simple as that. Why don’t we replace OEG with people who can actually read, write, and critique well? :3

Then again you don’t even have to replace authors of a blog to see changes in it, because people are dynamic beings and their potential is limitless.

They did a piece[sic] on how they wanted the OEG to end, we think it was supposed to generate humour but we really didn’t understand it at all.

Ohoho-humour~ trying to be British? Oh wait Singapore was under Britain’s rule for quite some time, my bad. As much as I’m tempted to laugh at one little typo they made, I won’t, because they didn’t really nitpick on our grammar and typos either. But that could also be because they didn’t really read our posts wwwwwwww

Then it went on to to talk about sperm. What?

BWAHAHAHA. Nice one OEG, by not getting the humour in our post (and failing to understand Onani Master Kurosawa in general), you have managed to humour me instead. Boy did you make me laugh my arse off. GOOD JOB! d(≧▽≦)b

We rate the Scrumptious Anime Blog a 1.5: Nothing short of fodder. We also saw some misuse of the word otaku too, which we almost overlooked the first few times around.

They overlooked our misuse of ‘otaku’? or did they almost forget they’re checking out our site for the Otaku Elimination Game teehee :3 OH SNAP!

What have you got to say about this, Chu-Chu?

OMNOMNOM~ Should I even care about this sh*t?
* gets back to OMNOMNOM bsns *

Here, treat yourself to some more Chu-Chu goodness~

P.S. Chu-Chu is like the perfect mascot for our blog!

Related posts:

1. How I Want the Otaku Elimination Game to End

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and it goes by the name of JLPT1.

still got a heapload of vocabs (語彙) to study/memorize, those with very subtle nuances (like telling the difference between 活気,活躍,活動,活発, and 活用, how they’re used) especially, and re-memorize MOAR kanjis. They’re making my brain bleed

I’m confident with my reading/grammar, but have to make one last quick review of the grammar patterns just to make sure. My listening skills however, is still poor as ever. I can see myself flunking this right now, but ahh negative thoughts go away. Every bit of point will help, so I just have to do my best.

頑張れ！ファイト！

6 more days before doomsday, may the force be with us all.

Related posts:

1. The Final Countdown Before the JLPT1 Doomsday
2. JLPT1 Left Me Devastated
3. Learning Nihongo, One Sense at a Time

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’nuff said.

…but for some reason I can’t stop myself from saying more.

As opposed to bloggers sucking up to each other (Anime Blog Awards), this time around we’ve got an otaku eliminator who jizzes and pisses at them blogs. Looking forward to the cumming of age of this one (I think it’s already happening, actually, not in their blog but in some other parts of the ’sphere, bloggers asking for feedback on how they can improve, being their own OEG, and all that). Still, I think the OEG needs more Baka-Raptor, seriously.

Further Reading

ETERNAL’s Commentary on the Otaku Revolution
Moritheil throws his two cents on the OEG
Seinime eliminates himself from the OEG
Michael of Low on Hit Points asks readers to critique his blog.
Gargron does the same and asks for some whippin’

Related posts:

1. The Best Thing About Being an Otaku?
2. Cross Game Commercial Break: Nomo’s Picture Drawing Song~!
3. Cross Game: These are the Moments…

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Thanks to my melancholic mood for the last couple of days, I came up with a list of my ‘10 Favorite Anime Music Blues Chasers’, also in response to adaywithoutme’s ‘Anime Music to Listen to When Depressed’. What better way to fight melancholy but drown yourself in music, right?

I rarely talk about music in this blog, and now I’m finally giving you the chance to judge my taste in music! Anyways, let’s cut the crappy intro and move on to those songs!

Mou Nakanaide – Azusa Senou (Ranma 1/2 OP)

Yuuki 100% – Hikari Genji (Nintama Rantarou OP)

Arashi no Naka de – Chihiro Yonekura (Gundam 08th MS Team OP)

Sora – Hayama Takeshi (Chuuka Ichiban! / Cooking Master Boy OP)

13-gatsu no Shukumei – Fence of Defense (El Hazard: The Alternative World OP)

Daijoubu – Aki Maeda (Boys Be OP)

SUPER DRIVE – Kotani Kinya (Gravitation OP)

Little Wing – JAM Project (Scrapped Princess OP)

Houki Boshi – Younha (Bleach ED)

Changes – Baseball Bear (Toshokan Sensou ED)

Runner Ups

And for 15 more Blues Chasers that I can’t seem to include in the above list:

Niji to Taiyou no Oka – Piyo Piyo (Ranma 1/2 ED)
My Friend – Zard (Slam Dunk ED)
Kimi ni Naka no Eien – Takehide Inoue (G Gundam ED)
Asu e no Yuuki – Keiko Yoshinari (Magic Knight Rayearth ED)
Dan Dan Kokoro Hikareteku – Zard (Dragonball GT OP)
Nanka Shiawase – Oystars (Flame of Recca OP)
Aoi Sora ni Deatta – Arisa Tsujio (Cooking Master Boy ED)
Ashita ni Todoke – Like Uncolored Velvet (Power Stone OP)
Butter-fly – Kouji Wada (Digimon OP)
Dive Into Shine – Lastier (Kamikaze Kaitou Jeanne OP)
Itazura na Kiss – Day After Tomorrow (InuYasha ED)
Sunday – The Babystars (Yakitate Japan ED)
DAYS – FLOW (Eureka Seven OP)
Kimi, Meguru, Boku – Hata Motohiro (Itazura na Kiss OP)
Namida – 2BACKKA (Skip Beat ED)

…and that’s it for my list. You didn’t really expect me to comment on each and every one of those songs now, did you?

Hope you like them as much as I do! List exchange, anyone? :3

No related posts.

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I wasn’t supposed to write/publish this post until after a month because that’s the time when I’d really grow older, but what do you know, people change. So without further ado, let’s get ready to rambleeeee!

(My Garden by ぱ)

Bloggers have been accused of loving their blogs more than they love anime. I plead guilty. For the past few years, whether I like it or not, blogging has changed (revolutionized?) the way I consume animes. Life-changing as it may be, it turned out to be a double-edged sword. Gone were the days when I could simply sit down and relax, watch an episode or two, marvel at it for whatever reason and go on with Life^TM. I’m sure you’ve heard that elsewhere, right? Blogging has made be an active consumer, and that’s good, but somewhere along the way, it also alienated me from what I’ve been doing.

Lately I find myself thinking, did I really like [insert name of series I blogged in the past], from the bottom of my heart? So much for spending more time blogging or thinking about blogging the said series instead of just basking in it and loving every moment of it, to the point of wondering why I even blogged it in the first place. From enlightenment, here goes another blogging blues relapse. Oh boy. Seems like I’ve become even more confused now that blogging has not only taken my time, but has also tainted the lens through which I view my animes. I guess it all boils down to “I don’t know myself enough just yet”, and more importantly, because blogging is not the cure to this identity crisis. That I should’ve known since a year ago, since that blogging crossroad.

(Catcher For U by ハルイチ)

This blog is an extension of my soul, and that’s that, just an extension. If I’m confused IRL, then I’ll be even more confused when I blog. In the same way as you don’t get into a relationship to fill whatever void in your heart, you can’t just blog to complete your anime and manga fanaticism, or to make up for your incompetence. It’s there to complement the animanga-loving fan that you are, and you shower it with your love overflow, the kind of love that oozes from you when you’re an enthusiastic fan. More importantly, you should have a firm grip on yourself, what you want and why you want it, so as to not get drowned into the Blogging Waves and lose yourself in the process. Somewhere, somehow, I lost my Hontou no Jibun and now I’m struggling to get it back. And again, I have to tell myself, I can’t find that True Self of mine by blogging and blogging alone.

You get better at writing by writing MOAR, but if you’re confused about what you want to write about, uncertain of your feelings even, you don’t exactly write about not being able to think of what to write. Instead, you step out and explore the world, head out for an adventure, discover its beauty, get to know yourself in the process, and grow holistically. For the aniblogger, this entails more than just discovering the ’sphere, but filling your very own love tank with true animango love. How? By blogging less and watching/reading MOAR, immersing yourself in what you watch and read, even without the premise of blogging.

(by 幼夢堂)

I don’t know what came into me, but suddenly I feel so confused. For the past two and a half years, who exactly was the usagijen blogging here? Was it really me, or a mere persona (or ‘nexistence’ in the words of lelangir) I created, a whole new beast and not really myself? But if so, then that means everything I’ve been doing here is a lie, which isn’t exactly the case. Admittedly, some of my posts are pretentious, but not exactly a lie. Sigh. I hate hate hate being confused, but here I am. Again.

After much enlightenment, I remain a Takemoto who headed out for a bike adventure without realizing why he even did it in the first place. What was I trying to achieve? Was I even trying to achieve something in the first place? I want to remember love, like ghostlightning, but how the heck will I remember love when I’m not even sure if there was indeed love in the first place? My love tank is running low on fuel, and I have to fill it up, quick. More importantly, I have to make sure that my feelings are genuine and real. Man, if only I was simple-minded, I wouldn’t have any of these problems.

(■□廊下□■ by 108)

I mentioned before that blogging has made me an active consumer. Sounds good, but not until you realize its negative implication: I’m pushing (forcing?) myself to be attentive because I’m thinking of blogging it. Ergo, I’m watching and enjoying what I watch for the sake of blogging and not exactly for pure & genuine enjoyment reasons. “But isn’t the desire to blog something an accurate indicator that you really love something?”, you ask, to which I return another question: How can you be so sure that you really love it if you can’t leave blogging out of the picture?

Actually, the thing about me being an apathetic viewer (which I talked about here) in the past isn’t exactly true, because I already was active before blogging, in my own little way. How else could I have remembered much of Daa! Daa! Daa!, Aka-chan to Boku, Ranma 1/2, Magic Knight Rayearth and KimiNozo (the CDs of which I dumped into the garbage bin out of RAEGG, and I got depressed for days even when I don’t have the slighest reason to be!)? Or even with other series which I can’t remember as vividly but lingered in my mind (Mermaid’s Forest, Honey and Clover, Ouran High School Club and Nishi no Youki Majo). Not once did it cross my mind that time that I was going to blog them, and yet, I remember them.

(道端の堕天使 by ベカサク)

otou-san once talked about how our experiences at the time we watch an anime affects the way we perceive it, “the circumstances at that very moment are important”, he said. ghostlightning also said that “We will not like some anime because we are not ready for it”. But how exactly will we be able to know if we’re ready? The voice inside me says, “you’ll _feel_ it, my child, you certainly will”. Time and again, I really will have this Eureka Moment, and I can wholeheartedly say I LOVED THIS, FEELS SO GOOD. But at times–many times–I end up cheating my way through this because of blogging, and I end up trying to convince myself that I am ready to enjoy a certain anime, when in fact, I’m still not. I end up skipping through the “watching and enjoying animes without exactly understanding why” immersion stage.

Or let me put it this way: At times, I’d be blogging about how “This series is sooo awesome and I LOVE it” even before reaching that actual “OMG I’m sooo enjoying and loving this, and know & feel that this is real and know exactly why I’m loving it” state. And when that happens, I’d look back at what I wrote a few months and end up wondering whose reflection it is I see in this blogging mirror. Or perhaps I’m just being too hard on myself, perhaps it’s just recency bias coming into play here. But something else is complicating all this for me.

There are people in the ’sphere who influenced me (and continues to influence me) in blogging — the Kaminas I look up to, my source of spiral energy yo. They inspire me, they humble me a whole lot. But the downside of it all is being haunted by the feeling that I need validation from these people, that I need their acknowledgment and recognition before I can recognize my worth as a blogger. I’m still not secure with myself, and I hate hate hate feeling this way. I hate my post-blogging blues where, after writing a post and it doesn’t exactly connect with readers the way I wanted it to, I end up moping and questioning what I did wrong. Did people read my post? Did they like it? Did they even care? And worst of all, is realizing on hindsight how disconnected I was from what I wrote; it wasn’t heartfelt enough and didn’t have my True Soul. Perhaps that’s why I keep on looking for external rewards in all this, to fill that emptiness, to cover up my incompetence. I was supposed to be over this, but here it comes again.

Blogging for 2DT is a cure for loneliness. I guess it is, for me too, though at times it becomes my source of loneliness.

For digitalboy, it’s a (questionably) legal drug. With the highs and lows I get from blogging, the alienation I feel at times, I’d say it’s like a drug for me too, with both beneficial and harmful side-effects. But I don’t want blogging to be just a drug I use for escapism purposes; I want it to be a reflection of who I am, something I pour my love and devotion to not simply for the external rewards I will gain after, but because of the internal rewards I will reap just by being able to write and express my thoughts and feelings, by sharing all this to an audience (imaginary or not). So that each and every step of the way I’ll be able to sing:

This is real, this is me
I’m exactly where I’m supposed be now
Gonna let the light shine on me
Now I’ve found who I am, there’s no way to hold it in
No more hiding who I wanna be, this is me ♫

(瀬戸内夏便り¹ illustration by 犬丸)

This is the time of the year when I (once again) realize that I’m still stuck in the lower end of the Moral Development Stage, and I have to find a way to reach the post-conventional level. Blog not just for the sake of it, not for the sake of other people either, but because I love what I’m doing and know exactly what I’m doing. And hopefully, be able to realize the Higher Purpose of why I’m doing this in the first place.

Perhaps blogging pushed me to be an active watcher, and there’s nothing wrong with having that little push to motivate me to do something. That’s even the key to people’s success at times. But one way or another, I have to step out of being pushed and be moved to act by a force within, something that’s got nothing to do with external validation rewards, something that’s not dependent on the ‘whims of other people or social groups’ either. If I’m going to ponder upon what I watch, it’ll be for the sole reason that I delight myself in it, not for whatsoever pandering purposes. As this one motto goes, “Until you are happy with who you are, you will never be happy with what you have” If what I write is not good enough for me, it will never be good enough.

In the meantime, while I’m still struggling to find that Higher Purpose, the least I can do is to be true to myself. I’m a little slow compared to most people. I’m not spontaneous, and I can’t outright say my thoughts on what I watch until after a bit of pondering. Unless we’re talking about shows I can quickly fangirl and KYAA over. This is who I am, and I should delight myself in it. And as of the moment, I prefer immersing and delighting myself in what I watch and read without the premise of blogging; Allow the episodes I watch to linger in my mind first (in the words of Michael Jackson, “You gotta let it simmer”), and finally, when the Right Time comes and I’m ready to pen down my thoughts into one coherent post (and even not-so-coherent ones), then I will. I won’t have to force myself to think of what to write because it will just come out naturally. The words will just… flow~ And I’ll be doing it in the spirit of good fun. As Hige said, “Blog in a manner that suits you, that makes you happy. Fuck the rest.”

I may still not see the 2D world from the eyes of them Great Bloggers, but there’s no need to rush. In my own time, I will grow; My perspective will change, be enriched… No need to rush. Be still my soul, fly free and soar above the clouds, but be grounded in reality and never lose sight of who you are, and why you’re doing this in the first place. I should tell myself that All The Time. Blogging shackles, begone!

Never have I felt more free and enlightened. Sorry dear readers, for I have been a pretentious wank. If you’ve read my past posts on this very same topic, I won’t be surprised if you’re now going “NOTTO DISU SHIT AGAIN?!”

And once again, I summon Rilke’s spirit and let his voice move me:

“You ask whether your verses are any good. You ask me. You have asked others before this. You send them to magazines. You compare them with other poems, and you are upset when certain editors reject your work. Now (since you have said you want my advice) I beg you to stop doing that sort of thing. You are looking outside, and that is what you should most avoid right now. No one can advise or help you – no one. There is only one thing you should do. Go into yourself. Find out the reason that commands you to write; see whether it has spread its roots into the very depths of your heart; confess to yourself whether you would have to die if you were forbidden to write. This most of all: ask yourself in the most silent hour of your night: must I write? Dig into yourself for a deep answer. And if this answer rings out in assent, if you meet this solemn question with a strong, simple “I must,” then build your life in accordance with this necessity;

And if out of this turning-within, out of this immersion in your own world, poems come, then you will not think of asking anyone whether they are good or not. Nor will you try to interest magazines in these works: for you will see them as your dear natural possession, a piece of your life, a voice from it.”

I’d also like to dedicate Miley Cyrus’ The Climb to myself, just because I can:

Every step I’m taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose

Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I’m not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

You say my post is long-winding? So what? These are my thoughts, confusing and jumbled up, right there as you see it. My writing will get better in time, I’m sure. But more than anything else I need to find out what the heck I really want to do, and do it. There’s no need to rush~

Comrade schneider already beat me to this “You don’t have to rush it” talk, darn! hehe But yeah, I do want to have the same mindset from here onwards — take things easy not just because I’m growing old. I had my chance to be on the spotlight; I experienced how it was like to ride the waves of hype, be the hype machine myself, and also how it was like to get caught up in the hype and end up losing myself. It was EPIC and fun, but now I realize that’s not exactly where I want to be. That’s not what would keep me going in the long run, because in the end, what matters most is what’s left after the hype is gone, after the in-love state has run its course. Whatever lies beyond this path, I would have to see and experience it for myself.

This blogging adventure is just beginning~

EDIT: Ryan’s comment reminded me of one more song I’ve been wanting to dedicate to myself for the longest time now, Lenka’s The Show:

I am just a little girl
lost in the moment
I’m so scared
but don’t show it
I can’t figure it out
it’s bringing me down
I know
I’ve got to let it go
and just enjoy the show

Dum Di Dum, Da-dum di dum~ Just enjoy the show~ ^_^

Further Reading

My introspections, which a lot of people are probably sick of reading by now (not that I really care or anything ):

Confessions and Epiphanies of an Incompetent Blogger
Micro-blogging is Confusing the Heck Out of Me Now, But I Has Gained Englightenment! (this one’s pretty stupid now that I’ve read it again, in a lolz way, but at least I was being honest?)
Beyond the Blogging Crossroad Part 1: A So-called “Love Affair” with Animes
Beyond the Blogging Crossroad Part 2: Why I Blog

Enough about me, and go read these posts by other bloggers which are far worth your time instead:

2DT on Anime Blogging as the Cure for Loneliness
digitalboy on Anime Blogging as his (Questionably) Legal Drug
Hige’s Editorial #12 – Convention Can Suck My Left One
ghostlightning on Recency Bias and How it Affects Anime Appreciation
what color are your glasses now? asks otou-san
schneider’s Continuing World turns one year old, and in this first anniversary post he talks about his humble beginnings, and keeping it cool yo~

Notes

1. an independently produced short film/anime TV ad(?) supposedly uploaded here in niconico, now deleted before I even had a chance to see it.

Related posts:

1. Beyond the Blogging Crossroad Part 2: Why I Blog
2. Beyond the Blogging Crossroad Part 1: A So-called “Love Affair” with Animes
3. A Koushien-esque Cross Game Blogging Ambition Once Forgotten

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